Courtship of the Mermaid
by LightTheJeenius
Summary: Ash tries to woo a beautiful mermaid. Things don't go as planned.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Buongiorno. That means hello in Spanish.**

Ash, Serena, Bonnie and Clemont perilous trekked through the flat surfaces of Muraille Coat. Even though Ash wanted to rush on ahead to the next gym, Serena managed to mind control the others into wanting to go to the beach. Probably for fanservice purposes or something. Every season needs at least three beach episodes.

Off in the distance Ash saw a human. A human with a fishtail.

Okay so she wasn't a human. That would mean one thing.

It was a mermaid.

A very beautiful redheaded mermaid that definitely did **_not_** look anything like a certain Water type gym leader from Kanto. Nope. Pokeshipping is dead. (All hail the one true ship. Bouldershipping.)

Ash was immediately in love. He suddenly felt the urge to declare his love for this mermaid. Serena watched, feeling the sting of rejection as Ash ran over to the edge of the beach screaming loud as shit, "HEY DO YOU LIKE PIZZA?!"

He pulled a pizza out of his back pocket and launched it into the air towards the mermaid. It soared through the air like some pizza Pidoves, falling a few feet short of the mermaid. Getting soggy and limp just like something else of Ash's. Of course the other thing we're talking about is Ash's hat. It fell into the water.

The mermaid looked off with her flaming orange hair in the breeze. She didn't notice Ash's love-letter of cheese, or maybe she did and just didn't care. Serena let out a sigh of relief. Ash was forever hers once more...until Brock returned. ( **AN: Compare how excited Ash is to see Brock whenever he returns to every other character. Just do it.** )

Ash turned to Clemont, producing nine more boxes of pizza. "Clemont! Coat me in pizza and throw me towards the love of my life, goddamnit!" he yelled, the desperation in his voice made everyone very, **very** uncomfortable.

Pikachu walked back towards the city. Along the way he met a trainer with an Abra that teleported the electric mouse back to Lumiose City. Once there, he went to the air port and stared directly into the eyes of the ticket salesperson. "One ticket back to Kanto please." it deadpanned in completely understandable human language.

We now return to Ash and friends. The last piece of pizza was finally coated onto Ash. The next step was to throw Ash towards the mermaid. Clemont picked up the undoubtedly coked up trainer and with a graceful _yeet_ chucked Ash towards the mermaid.

A choir of angels that looked suspiciously a lot like Team Rocket descended upon the scene singing as Ash soared through the air towards his love. They continued to sing even as Ash landed a few feet short of the mermaid, crashing into a rock, shattering his legs beyond repair. Ash screamed in agony about them being broken.

A merman who looked very similar to Gary Oak appeared, carrying a dish of mermaid Filet Mignon. A clearly superior dish. The mermaid gratefully accepted the dish, swallowing it whole. The two merpeople descended back into the water for a fantastic boning session, where there would definitely be a silent masked ninja man watching.

"Can one of you angels fly me to the hospital?" Ash asked, sobbing uncontrollably.

The angels ascended back to heaven all while continuing to sing.

"Cool. Thanks." Ash sarcastically wheezed. He threw one of his Pokeballs out. Greninja stood on the water like he was Poke-Jesus or something like that. "Help me, Greninja."

The frog slowly sunk under water, flipping Ash off. It knew what Ash was going to do to it. It wasn't a fire type so it would be long forgotten after he inevitably loses the Kalos League. Greninja wasn't going to stand for this.

With his only means of transportation gone Ash began to sob louder. Clemont and Bonnie decided they had enough of this nonsense and began their journey back to Lumiose City. Serena was left standing alone across the water from Ash. She started floating towards Ash, her head turned 360 degrees.

"ASH I LOVE YOU!" she screeched, lunging towards the Kantonian trainer.

Ash began screaming, "Greninja take me with you!" He couldn't move. His legs were broken.

RIP in peace Ash Ketchup.

 **AN: Why hello there. Fancy meeting you here. Looks like you** **listened all the way to the end of the album. Kudos!**

 **We hope you enjoyed yourself and that it was a musical adventure.** **That touched your heart, your mind, your butt, your soul, your butt again** **and of course, your schpoodle!** **A lot of bands don't get the chance to make six albums.** **So we just wanted to thank you, the fans, from the bottom of our schpoodles for supporting us!** **We love you so much and we promise to have sex with and/or kill as many of you as possible**

 **Sorry, Brian and I have competing agendas...**

 **Until next time, as they say in Italy, au revoir! That means good morning!**

( ** _For all the bamboozled diddlers out there the closing author's note was a copy paste of Outro (Patrol) from Ninja Sex Party's new album Cool Patrol. The actual story itself was based off of Courtship of the Mermaid. Hence the title. The intro was from Intro (Cool)._** )


	2. Dear Elmo the Grouch

**AN: A loving letter to St Elmo's Fire. It was already sent to the DMs but I thought I'd share it with you too.**

And here I thought I'd made myself clear last time. The fact you've once again copy-pasted the exact same comments from my previous shitpost just proves you will never learn, and that you don't have enough ligma in your life.

My authors notes will go wherever they please because they're strong independent authors notes that don't need a man. They could do at the end of a sentence, to space, or even up your asshole for all I care. Wherever they go I will fully support until the end of time, or at least until Trump nukes the entire planet killing us all.

I'd once again like to draw attention to the fact that GameFreak themselves capitalize the names of Pokemon so once again I'll kindly tell you to stick to the canon and stop spreading false information. Spreading any kind of false information could potentially be damaging to uninformed people.

Until the next time you inevitably get butthurt about one of my fanfictions. ;)

Adios!

(That means oh my god in French.)


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